.. no, not at Band Camp. American Pie has kind of ruined that phrase for this entire generation. Maybe a better title would be
Funny Story
except if my mom reads it, she'll tell you that usually when I say funny story, it ends up being not so funny. Like when I called her and told her my car was stolen and started off the conversation with "funny story". So.. let's just call this one
Untitled (to put anything in parenthesis actually gives it a title, but why do many people do it?)
This summer is going to be legit. If you read this, there is a good chance we are facebook friends, because I am relatively certain there are only 3 people who read this ever. So, you should look at the picture of my office for the summer. I don't want to be braggy, but I never dreamed I would have an office like this at 24. Srsly. And the church I am working for has been super amazing. But, it reminds me a lot of the church we went to growing up. (we as in my family.. sorry.. I did not magically have a significant other, or a frog in my pocket. In fact, I don't have any pockets in the athletic pants I am wearing today, so there's nowhere to carry anything except my hands and I think the secretary might have freaked out a lot if I came in this morning leisurely carrying my soda and a frog. jussayin.) Not that reminiding me of the church I grew up in is a bad thing, in fact, quite a alot of funny things happened there. Or on the way there. You see, I am kind of anal about being on time places. If there is a prescribed time to be somewhere, I will do everything in my power to be there when it satrts, and hopefully earlier (as an event planner, it makes me crazy when people show up just when something is supposed to be starting.. can you not have gotten there 5 minutes earlier and we could all be in correct groupings?! come. on.)
So, the girls group that I was involved in made pies for people every year for Thanksgiving. It was one of our big fundraisers - we'll make the pies, you pay an extremely high price for them and we get to go on vacation this summer. That's how it worked. I wasn't able to drive yet, and my dad wasn't home from work. I decided that being late was the worst possible thing to be, so I decided I would hurridely ride my bike to church. I hopped on and noticed that there were convienent dirt tracks on the road - I wouldn't even have to look up! This would save me so much time! I could pedal like a fiend and end up where i needed to go! This. Would. Work.
And it did.. until I came to the parked car.
Yes, friends. In my teenage years, I ran into a parked car on my bike. It was a sad state of affairs in which I had to have twelve stitches on my middle finger of my right hand.
Some of you might be thinking - 'Amy, we've been friends for a long time. I never knew what happened there. But now I am going ot make fun of you until we die because you ran into a parked car on your bike when you were 16.'
In response? I would first agree. And then remind you that I skipped first grade and was way smarter than you when we were 7. Also? I would probably remind you of the fact that we aren't friends because I am the sharpest tool in the shed, we are friends because of our mutual awesomeness. And I might throw in a reference specific to our friendship.
And then you'd feel terrible.
And I would win at life.
This ending got really mean. I apologize.
puppies and kittens hugging and frolicking (had to counteract the mean..) :)
you. bet.
P.S. - I am not positive this one is funny.. I feel like it is more informational than hilarious. I may or may not still be doped up on codeine, which makes me crazy but not funny crazy. More like just psycho crazy. So, direct constructive criticism to: amy.kiker@gmail.com
Promise it'll be funnier next time.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Holy Freaking Cow.
Dude.. Can I be honest? Sometimes I drink energy drinks and get even weirder. And yes, it is possible. And yes, it just happened. And yes, no one is really around to buffet the weirdness, so I am writing a blog. And yes, I just correctly used buffet in a sentence. I can't tell you the language of origin because that would take too long and my hands are shaky.
Monster Dub is my Frienemy. You should or should not try it.
Okay so anyway.. what I was going to originally be writing about.....
1. It's Spring. Can someone alert Mother Nature to this fact, please? Because I could see my breath last night. That should not happen in the month of MAY. Seeing my breath in May is like a panda giving birth to a deer - probably the most horrifying experience ever. The poor panda.. it was an accidental pregnancy.. she never saw it coming. Now, the deer has run away because its mom can't relate to it.. The deer is all pierced and tatted up and on its way to some state Hunting area to commit deericide. It's going to happen. Look it up. Let's have some sun, mmmk MN? I would hate to see a deer on the side of the road all pierced and tatted cause you can't get your stuff together. kthx.
2. The previous paragraph? Was super weird. Erase that from your memory and chalk it up to lack of sleep and way too much B12.
3. Being a grown up rocks when you get to have Nutter Butter Bites for dinner.
4. I should be studying for a Final in 3 hours. Nah.. I'd rather keep you entertained.
5. I have a cough. I think I am dying. But like actually not, because I just got some test results back from the Doctor and I am definitely not dying and definitely not pregnant. Two things that made my year. But this scare reminded me of another time I was convinced I was dying - this was when I was little and had head lice. I've only had it once, but that was enough. We (my older brother and I) got called in to the nurse for a routine check and immediately were quarantined. They called our parents and my dad had to come get us. My mom met us at home and this is what she told me - "You got head lice, so I'm going to have to shave your head." Yes. In this trqumatic (I noticed this typo, but I'm not going to fix it. I feel like it drives home the fact that I am all jacked up on energy drinks.)moment, my mom's attempt at humor had me running out of the house, onto the porch, screaming that I would rather keep the head lice. My mom sent my dad out, but it was too late. My brain had already jumped to the conclusion that the head lice were going to somehow burrow into my brain and infest it and then cut off all oxygen and I would slowly asphyxiate while my parents were shampooing my older brother's head. A little dramatic? Perhaps. Welcome to my reality. I did have to cut my hair a little, and we got rid of the lice. And that is the only time I ever had them. But, every time someone says head lice, a part of my brain still freaks out and ties it to death. This is a disgusting paragraph, and you can erase this one from your memory, too.
6. I have several irrational fears. One of them? I can't wash my hands in the bathroom until the toilet has stopped refilling because I am scared the lines will somehow cross and I will be washing my hands with what I just flushed.
This post is way random, and will probably be used one day to send me to a mental institution.
Have at it. As long as there's a jump to conclusions mat. :)
Monster Dub is my Frienemy. You should or should not try it.
Okay so anyway.. what I was going to originally be writing about.....
1. It's Spring. Can someone alert Mother Nature to this fact, please? Because I could see my breath last night. That should not happen in the month of MAY. Seeing my breath in May is like a panda giving birth to a deer - probably the most horrifying experience ever. The poor panda.. it was an accidental pregnancy.. she never saw it coming. Now, the deer has run away because its mom can't relate to it.. The deer is all pierced and tatted up and on its way to some state Hunting area to commit deericide. It's going to happen. Look it up. Let's have some sun, mmmk MN? I would hate to see a deer on the side of the road all pierced and tatted cause you can't get your stuff together. kthx.
2. The previous paragraph? Was super weird. Erase that from your memory and chalk it up to lack of sleep and way too much B12.
3. Being a grown up rocks when you get to have Nutter Butter Bites for dinner.
4. I should be studying for a Final in 3 hours. Nah.. I'd rather keep you entertained.
5. I have a cough. I think I am dying. But like actually not, because I just got some test results back from the Doctor and I am definitely not dying and definitely not pregnant. Two things that made my year. But this scare reminded me of another time I was convinced I was dying - this was when I was little and had head lice. I've only had it once, but that was enough. We (my older brother and I) got called in to the nurse for a routine check and immediately were quarantined. They called our parents and my dad had to come get us. My mom met us at home and this is what she told me - "You got head lice, so I'm going to have to shave your head." Yes. In this trqumatic (I noticed this typo, but I'm not going to fix it. I feel like it drives home the fact that I am all jacked up on energy drinks.)moment, my mom's attempt at humor had me running out of the house, onto the porch, screaming that I would rather keep the head lice. My mom sent my dad out, but it was too late. My brain had already jumped to the conclusion that the head lice were going to somehow burrow into my brain and infest it and then cut off all oxygen and I would slowly asphyxiate while my parents were shampooing my older brother's head. A little dramatic? Perhaps. Welcome to my reality. I did have to cut my hair a little, and we got rid of the lice. And that is the only time I ever had them. But, every time someone says head lice, a part of my brain still freaks out and ties it to death. This is a disgusting paragraph, and you can erase this one from your memory, too.
6. I have several irrational fears. One of them? I can't wash my hands in the bathroom until the toilet has stopped refilling because I am scared the lines will somehow cross and I will be washing my hands with what I just flushed.
This post is way random, and will probably be used one day to send me to a mental institution.
Have at it. As long as there's a jump to conclusions mat. :)
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